Below are notes from a monthly parent session we had with a group of parents. This month’s topic was on Moral Boundaries. As parents, how can we help teens navigate the lines in the sand of our culture?

• Scriptures: Proverbs 4:23 / Proverbs 5 / various others about holiness with discussion about repentance, grace, and faith accountability. Utilized some case studies for application…

• M-B require alignment. Parents aiming to teach values and behaviors will need to communicate expectations to each other and to children. Children must see there are no wedge opportunities to divide parents. Also, avoid “wait until Dad gets home” mentality. There’s no need to wait if there’s alignment.  

• M-B require biblical priority (Deuteronomy 6:5-9; Judges 2:10-11). If children see that the parents are under authority of God, then the house rules will not appear random or merely preference. If biblical values are promoted in word but not practice, then moral boundaries will become inconsistent.
  • One way for parents to model biblical priority is to be appropriately transparent to admit their own weaknesses and mistakes. Apologizing to children for wrongdoing goes a long way for practicing authority with humility.

• M-B require constructive discipline (Hebrews 12:5-11; Ephesians 6:4).
  • Formative discipline with affirmation; reward what you want repeated; compliment more than criticize; praise is powerful as much as punishment.    
  • Corrective discipline with consequences. Confront with truth in love. Follow through on expectations and consequences. Avoid exasperating with being overly harsh for minor wrongs (punishment rightly fitting the offense).
  • When evaluating, find unique ways to invite the child into the problem solving. Ask questions for self-guided discovery. Discern how to redeem their “wise wants.”[1]
  • Parents, remember our anger does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:20).
  • Perhaps, discipline should be the strictest when it comes to lying (cf Proverbs 12:22).

• M-B require the mentality of “Do Hard Things.” Life is tough. Snow-plow parenting (removing obstacles) and allowing children to easily quit or not commit to things leaves them unprepared for the future. Many parents rave too easily and rescue too quickly.

• M-B require empathy. Remember where you were during the stages of childhood. Remember your parents and lessons learned as a child. Empathy can also be aided by involving other trusted and godly advice. Who are others experiencing similar issues with you as a parent? How can you leverage the influence of positive peer pressure?

• M-B require specificity. Avoiding subjects doesn’t mean your child isn’t thinking about them. Sometimes the communication needs to be heavy and pointed, while other times keep it lighter and funny. Discuss positive expectations from head to toe: mental health / body care / appropriate physical touch / work responsibilities / spiritual development…

• Debrief all media. Have conversations and ask lots of questions about music, movies, shows, social media, technology, culture. The goal with this communication is not always to make demands or shame, but to create self-guided learning opportunities. This is why Jesus often told stories to counter those who disagreed with Him. Once they saw themselves in the story, they either changed or they were forced to face realities.

• Remember Christian children and families are not perfect families. Jesus was a friend of sinners, and as parents we must have a grace-based home. Our goal is not rule-keeping religious freaks but raising children to have humility, integrity, and faith in the Savior. Frequently point your children to Jesus’ grace. Guide them to think: “my parents and God love the mess out of me” NOT “I can’t mess up.” The latter produces unhealthy fear and insecurity, but the former produces the identity God designed to flourish.
  
  
• Comments / Questions

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[1] See The Journal Of Biblical Counseling Summer 2005, Volume 23, Number 3. Each article in this volume is on parenting and are excellent!