MOTIVATE

There was once a married couple enduring a lengthy conflict. It seemed like every time Evan & Ada spoke, they were raising their voices and seldom speaking with one another but often screaming at each other. Ada thought they should go to counseling, but Evan thought he had a better idea. He decided for the next week they should only communicate by writing notes in effort to lower the tone and keep peace. Ada agreed, but reluctantly.

One evening they both came home from work with letters to each other. After reading the tempers flared and words were muttered under their breath in anger. But Evan & Ada kept their commitment to not speak and only write – hoping to remain calm and clearly communicate.

After a long night of apathetic communication, back turns, cold shoulders, disturbing silence, and eye aversions, Evan went upstairs to bed while Ada remained downstairs reading a book. When she finished reading, she went upstairs and found a note on her side of the bed. It read: “My alarm clock is broke. Please wake me up at 5am, bc I have an early meeting.”

The next morning it’s 7:30am, with Evan waking and looking at the time – 2.5hrs after he was supposed to wake; he’s late! He wakes Ada and shouts, “You were supposed to wake me at 5am. Didn’t you get my note?” The wife doesn’t respond but points to Evan’s side of the bed. On his nightstand there was a note that read: “It’s 5am and time to wake up.”

Obviously, every marriage has challenges and conflict. One of the reasons we are studying SOS is to encourage marriages who are struggling, along with enriching couples toward strength of faith and intimacy in their relationship.

Sidenote: If unmarried, many of these concepts still apply to relationships in general.

EXAMINE   Song of Songs 2:15; 5:1-16                 Conflict  

SOS 2:15 “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.”

SOS is a beautiful narration of hopefulness, joy and pleasure in marriage and marital intimacy. We joke about the differences of men & women or the cultural flirtation descriptions from their world to modern day. But this book also reveals the unfortunate nature of every relationship having conflict and disappointment; likewise with this couple.

In SOS 2:15, the Shulammite woman gives the command to catch the little foxes.
Foxes represent those challenges & crises that can creep into the marriage, almost unnoticed, and perform untold damage to the unity of your marriage covenant. It’s the trivial spats and sparrings of these relationships that eventually mutate into troublesome opposition. And the truth is that we must pay attention to both the “little things” and the “big things” of relational conflict.

Danny Akin says[1], “Foxes are little animals, not large ones. You hardly notice them and they are good at hiding. Only when damage is done do you even realize they were there. Issues like role responsibilities, conflict resolution, goals, expectations, finances, sex, spiritual compatibility, interpersonal compatibility, social compatibility and in-law relations do not just naturally work in a relationship. They must be addressed and worked through on an ongoing basis if marriage is to grow and develop.”

Additionally, the Shulamite says,
“our vineyards are in blossom,” meaning their relationship is ready to begin and bear fruit – but it’s vulnerable to attack. And if husbands and wives become complacent, their high expectations will result in stolen joy.

Many just experienced graduation. And as adults, we know that the friendships we had in high school, sadly, do not always stay in touch. It has gotten better with social media, but even then, relationships that don’t have equal effort of communication and time together will drift apart. The natural pull of relationships is to drift to isolation not intimacy.

• Fires need stoked
• Cars require maintenance
• Houses require upkeep
• Friendships & Marriages require rejection of complacency and embracing tenacious compassion.

The natural pull of relationships is to drift to isolation not intimacy. So, every relationship and marriage requires intentional effort for your vineyard to flourish and bear fruit.

Tweet

Young marriages think: not us, we’re in love! But after a couple years of routines and long workdays, you get home with brief amounts of time for connection. Adding kids shrinks the time even more. Vacations become time for seeing in-laws, and the fires of closeness and intimacy fade and evaporate.

Relationships need reaffirmed.
SOS 2:^16-17 “My beloved is mine, and I am his; he grazes among the lilies. Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, turn, my beloved…”

A few “foxes”

Fox of Communication:

SOS 5:2-3 I slept, but my heart was awake. A sound! My beloved is knocking. ‘Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one, for my head is wet with dew, my locks with the drops of the night.’ I had put off my garment; how could I put it on? I had bathed my feet; how could I soil them?

The Shulammite was in bed but couldn’t sleep (heart was awake). Perhaps she expected Solomon to come home early but instead he stayed out late, likely working. And after a long day he expected a warm welcome with his arrival knocking on the door. Instead, she had already went to bed. Perhaps she gives a subtle dig – I had put off my garment; how could I put it on?  IOW: I’m naked in bed but not for you! Their custom was for separate bedrooms and to wash their body before entering the bed; she would already be clean and to get up would cause her to repeat the process. If only they would have better communication, but instead intimacy had evaporated from this newlywed couple.

Notice in this communication v.2b, Solomon calls his wife my sister. While this may weird us out, for them it was a sign of permanency of the relationship.^[2] IOW, he’s saying, regardless of our conflict, I’m not leaving and our bond is forever, like family.

Fox of Conflict

5:4 My beloved put his hand to the latch, and my heart was thrilled within me. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had turned and gone. My soul failed me when he spoke. I sought him but found him not; I called him, but he gave me no answer. The watchmen found me as they went about in the city; they beat me, they bruised me, they took away my veil, those watchmen of the walls.

The Shulammite hears Solomon’s words and sees his attempts to open the door and finally reconsiders. But it was too late, he was gone. It is likely his feelings were hurt. He turns resentment into retaliation by walking away. Silence seldom solves problems; hurt people hurt people. In turn, she experiences the regret and inward beatings of her soul for her actions.

Conflict is not negative, but a necessary component of intimacy in a fallen world. No two people are alike, and our differences help make our relationships healthier not inferior. If we learn to fight fair and for our families, then conflict has the potential to flourish.

Top conflicts in marriages

• Expectations with home duties and relationship roles. Things as simple as how to hang toilet paper, load a dishwasher, who takes out trash, or where you celebrate holidays – not to mention how you make decisions when you both disagree. It’s helpful to discuss problems when they’re not a problem.   
• Sexpectations. That’s not a word, but physical intimacy will either bring fulfillment in marriage or result in some form of separation or infidelity. As stated previously – nothing (attitude or action) of one spouse is an excuse for fickleness or faithlessness by the other spouse. Each spouse is responsible to “affair proof” their marriage with boundaries and togetherness.
• Kidspectations. Yes, having fun wordsmithing. But the timing of when to start a family, how many, and parenting values are all tense and testing experiences on a marriage.
• Stewardship (finances!). You knew it was coming. Money – and not necessarily how much income but more defining how much outgo occurs and on what items; what’s essential and what’s optional to spend – and especially with or w/out a discussion. Couples need to
  align aims, balance budget, care for their credit, dump debt, and understand that God is the source of every blessing and possession.
• Faith foundation. What holds you together when the stress winds blow and worry waters rise to flood level? Is your relationship built upon performance or people only accept you when you’re meeting their expectations? Or, is your relationship built upon undeserved grace that flows down from above in Christ?

Conflict is not negative, but a necessary component of intimacy in a fallen world. No two people are alike, and our differences help make our relationships healthier not inferior. If we learn to fight fair and for our families, then conflict has the potential to help us flourish.

Tweet

Strangely, when married people conflict over any of these issues, they turn their words into weapons and their bodies into rivalry withholding sex to punish each other. The gift that God gave the married couple for closeness results in a wedge for conflict. My married friends, this should not be. We must refuse to retaliate and be ready to reconcile.

Fox of Contempt

5:8 I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved, that you tell him I am sick with love.

After the Shulammite experiences her regret she renews her commitment of love to Solomon. She ends the cycle of conflict and contempt (bitterness that leads to quitting). She does not seek escape or comfort in the arms of someone else; instead, she pursues her husband with greater intensity (5:10-16).

In conflict, we can have victory or intimacy. If we win the argument but lose the relationship, then we are attempting to play God, and that never goes well because Yahweh disrupts and defeats Babel builders.

So, instead, the Shulamite humbles herself and pursues the man. And SOS 5-8 is a back-and-forth volley of flirtation and admiration between the couple.

• She compliments his appearance.
  • Radiant – distinguished 1 of 10K
• • Head finest gold (fine jewelry)
• • Hair raven dark (young – not bald)
• • Eyes like doves (deep… intense)
• • Cheeks like sweet spices
• • Lips dripping myrrh
• • Arms as rods (not steroids)
• • Body like ivory Legs like pillar columns
  • Mouth is sweet & desirable…
    
• He champions her beauty (SOS 6:4-10)
  •  ⁴ Beautiful as Tirzah; lovely as Jerusalem (capital – center of attention)
• • ⁵ Your eyes overwhelm me
• • ⁵ Hair like a flock of goats leaping down a mountain (long flowing curls)
• • ⁶ Teeth like a flock of washed sheep (clean white), they each bear twins and not one is missing (ahem)
• • ⁷ Cheeks like pomegranate (rosy, ready)
  • ^8-10 one of a kind surpassing queens or fantasy models… as beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awesome as any victory championship!

What we see in this couple is having contempt for contempt. They overcome conflict by renouncing retaliation and healing the hurts.  

Gary Thomas says, “Contempt is born when we fixate on [a person’s] weaknesses. Every [person] has these sore points. If you want to find them, without a doubt you will. If you want to obsess about them, they’ll grow – but you won’t… We must build contempt for contempt…. We can choose to obsess over [selfish] expectations or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a birth – and the child will be named either contempt or respect.”[3]

1Peter2:22 reminds, “When Jesus was reviled, He did not retaliate; when Jesus suffered, He did not threaten” – Jesus left us the example to walk in His footsteps of forgiveness and trusting vengeance to God.

• You have a choice today in your marriage: You can become bitter or you can become better.
• You can be a Vampire or a Surgeon. Vampires take blood; vent anger and get their relief. But surgeons take blood with precision; they don’t operate from their own relief but out of belief – an unselfish and unwavering conviction to help others.

APPLY/TAKEAWAY

Conflict Constructively / Fight Fair with GRACE

G: Go to the person. Jesus teaches if we have conflict, we should go directly to the individual (Mt 5:21-25). So, if you need to take a breather or cool off, fine. Anger is a neutral emotion that is sometimes justified. But humans should not be controlled by emotions but convictions (Ep 4:26; Jas 1:20). In all, avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. We must go to the individuals that we have offended or that have wronged us for the sake of peace with all (Ro 12:18).

R: Restate the issue. It is vital to define the problem. Avoid assumptions. Ask, “Why am I upset?” Individuals should avoid camouflaging complaints or anger for a different or a deeper distress. Make sure that all parties understand what is the issue, regardless if they disagree on how to solve the problem.
At this point, it will be important to stick to the subject at hand, or break down the problem into multiple categories that need to be addressed.

A: Attack the problem not people. People have problems, but they are not problems. It is important to express value for individuals and relationships. This means that you commit to not use past grievances that were already forgiven as “trump cards.” Fighting fair means not hitting below the belt by mentioning sensitive information or poking at vulnerabilities and admitted weaknesses of the person.

The goal of the conflict is not to win the argument and lose the relationship. Instead the aim is to explore solutions for win-win resolution.

C: Communicate together.

All communication should be truth in love. Be specific and attempt to use “I” more than “You” statements. This prevents you from wrongly labeling the other person and sounding accusatory. This communication might sound like:
“I feel hurt when you…”
“I was disappointed when you said…; OR when your tone of voice became loud/condescending.”

In marriage, learning to speak “male” and “female” can be like learning a foreign language. It’s been illustrated that men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti.

In this illustration, men frequently compartmentalize. They evaluate problems from a single or smaller perspective, and can attempt to solve problems at any cost – even in anger, even with wrong methods, and even at the expense of someone/thing else. But men are able to have a single focus that sometimes women take longer to process.

YET, women process information and solve problems with interconnections. Various elements touch others in a complexity of ways. Thoughts and emotions flow together, and woman are often able to see connections that men are blind to.

Neither are better or superior. But communication takes both speaking and listening.  
LISTENING with ears (genuine listening. “mirroring”/repeat technique”. ask questions and clarify.) & eyes (eye contact and body language demonstrates care and value).

SPEAKING with hands (how you say something is as important as what is said; tone/attitude) and with your heart (honesty, sincerity, loving and constructive develop trust).

Take turns speaking and listening… and then restate what you believe you heard (active listening).

Aim for a zero-tolerance policy for profanity, name-calling, and incessant screaming.

E: Empathize. Empathy is seeing viewpoints from the perspective of others. It’s identifying with the thoughts and experiences that you might be aware but might not feel the gravity and impact.

Empathy also means that you are willing to repent and own any part you may have played in being insensitive, hurtful, or damaging to someone. That doesn’t mean you have to endlessly apologize and be accountable for the sins of others; that can become unhelpful and equally prejudicious. Empathy does not mean we distort reality, tolerate lies, or coddle sin.[4]
But, Christians are called to weep and rejoice with those in appropriate situations, and model the compassion of Jesus to a blemished and broken world.

• Ultimately, marriage resembles the gospel. Apart from grace, do we pursue God? Rarely! This is why we need faith in Christ as the center of our marriages. While anger produces change of behavior, it’s short-lived. Grace humbles and rebukes you, but it chisels us into God’s masterpiece.
• And you and I need more than wise relationship counsel and helpful marriage principles. We truly need the grace of Jesus Christ. We not only need His framework for living but His presence to breathing.

---

[1] Daniel Akin, God On Sex, p.88.

^[2] G. Lloyd Carr, Song of Solomon: An Introduction and Commentary, vol. 19, Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1984), 144.

[3][3] Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage.

[4] https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-beauty-and-abuse-of-empathy