Conflict is not always negative, but is a necessary component of conversation and growth in a fallen world. No two people are alike, and our differences help make our relationships healthier not inferior. If we learn to fight fair and for our families, then conflict has the potential to help us flourish. And if we are going to flourish from our conflicts, then we will need G.R.A.C.E.

G: Go to the person. 
Jesus teaches if we have conflict, we should go directly to the individual (Mt 5:21-25). So, if you need to take a breather or cool off, fine. Anger is a neutral emotion that is sometimes justified. But humans should not be controlled by emotions but convictions (Ep 4:26; James 1:20). In all, avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. We must go to the individuals that we have offended or that have wronged us for the sake of peace with all (Ro 12:18).

R: Restate the issue.
It is vital to define the problem. Avoid assumptions. Ask, “Why am I/you upset?” Individuals should avoid camouflaging complaints or anger for a different or a deeper distress. Make sure that all parties understand what is the issue, regardless if they disagree on how to solve the problem.
At this point, it will be important to stick to the subject at hand, or break down the problem into multiple categories that need to be addressed.

A: Attack the problem not people. 
People have problems, but they are not problems. It is important to express value for individuals and relationships. This means that you commit to not use past grievances that were already forgiven as “trump cards.” Fighting fair means not hitting below the belt by mentioning sensitive information or poking at vulnerabilities and admitted weaknesses of the person.

The goal of the conflict is not to win the argument and lose the relationship. Instead the aim is to explore solutions for win-win resolution.

C: Communicate together.
All communication should be truth in love. Be specific and attempt to use “I” more than “You” statements. This prevents you from wrongly labeling the other person and sounding accusatory. This communication might sound like:
“I feel hurt when you…”
“I was disappointed when you said…; OR when your tone of voice became loud/condescending.”

Neither females or males are better or superior at communication. Learning to communicate takes time, trust, and the simple tools of both speaking and listening.
 
Listening with ears. This sounds like advice from “Captain Obvious.” But listening with your ears must be stated to a culture that is far too frequently distracted and having short attention spans. So, listening with your ears implies genuinely listening with active listening techniques or “mirroring” what you hear. You might say something like, “Thank you for stating that clearly. So, what I hear you saying is… Is this correct?”

Listening with eyes. We do this by making eye contact. Wandering attention, crossed arms, facial expressions, or rolling of eyes can communicate just as loud as a voice. So, we must listen with both ears and eyes.

Speaking with hands. Again, how you say something is as important as what is said. Your attitude and tone with overall body language is vital to constructive communication.

Speaking with your heart. Death and life are in the power of the tongue (Pr 18:21). If we speak with sarcasm (in Latin, means to “tear flesh”), or with dishonesty, then our heart is conflicted or even corrupt. Speaking with our heart should be words filled with sincerity (Pr 12:18), gentleness (Pr 15:1, 4), compassionate (Pr 16:24), and constructive.

Healthy communication involves taking turns speaking and listening, so that each person can gain the full perspective of an issue. And persons should aim for a zero-tolerance policy for profanity, name-calling, and incessant screaming, which only add fuel to the fire of conflict.


E: Empathize. 
Empathy is seeing viewpoints from the perspective of others. It’s identifying with the thoughts and experiences that you might be aware but might not feel the gravity and impact.

Empathy also means that you are willing to repent and own any part you may have played in being insensitive, hurtful, or damaging to someone. That doesn’t mean you have to endlessly apologize and be accountable for the sins of others; that can become unhelpful and equally prejudice. Empathy does not mean we distort reality, tolerate lies, or coddle sin. But, Christians are called to weep and rejoice with those in appropriate situations, and model the compassion of Jesus to a blemished and broken world.

“Let your speech always be gracious and season with salt” (Colossians 4:6)

“Let no corrupt talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)

“Catch the little foxes that spoil the vineyards in blossom” (Song of Solomon 2:15)