Dear Fallen Angels,

We at Hell’s Headquarters are not impressed with your work at Southern Calvert Baptist Church. Of course, there are a few dark spots but that is hardly to your credit. By and large, you have failed miserably at squashing the work of God’s Holy Spirit. It is positively revolting to see over three hundred potential slaves of ours adoring Jesus, our enemy. This has got to stop or you will be transferred to some other location where there is less opposition.

Evidently you need to relearn the most important lesson we teach here at Hell’s Headquarters. This is that extended and concentrated prayer must be undermined at all costs. Every one of the Devil’s angels cuts his fallen teeth on the basic manual of prayer obstruction. Have you forgotten such elementary teaching?

Here are some specifics that you must do at once:

Those “Dynamic Prayer Meetings” on Sunday nights at 6pm has got to cease. At all costs do not allow people to get serious about prayer. Much more, do not even think of letting more Christians attend these meetings. For the most part, this has been one of your greater schemes accomplished. Most of those Christians think these meetings are a waste of time or make themselves too busy to even attend. Keep up the malicious lies!

Also, who are these “Joshua Prayer Warriors”? They meet every dreaded Sunday morning during 10:45am worship services. They plead with our Enemy to work His Spirit while those fool pastors (Steve and Dave) preach from that dreaded Bible. You would tremble if you knew how many of our master’s flaming darts have been extinguished by the prayers of these opponents. I shudder to think what would become of us and our few captives it people started to join them. Satan help us if deacons, ministry team leaders, couples, singles and entire families start to pray during worship. If this continues it will cause unimaginable havoc.

Lastly, what is this “next generation” talk all about? Pastor Dave continues to call people to leave a legacy by serving in nursery, children and youth ministry. Destroy him. Attack all of these ministries. What we have found to work in other churches is an indirect approach. Simply, allow apathy to take its course. Allow people to think that serving is tiresome and futile. Cause those with jobs to become overextended and disrupt family life. Allow college students and the retired to bask in the comforts of idleness. We are slowly beginning to lose ground in these areas and cannot afford for these youngsters to catch the gospel message. The cause of Hell rests on the failure of next generation ministries.

You must double and triple your efforts. This is no time to relax. The entire country of America is nearing a fall from Christian ways. We must advance even in the small rural areas such as Calvert and St. Mary’s county. It is our duty.

For the sake of Satan,

Hell’s Headquarters

Letter adapted from Desiring God

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